Breakdown - Mariah Carey

I'm feeling stressed, y'all.

I know my father's doing fine. He's comfortably ensconced in a rehabilitation centre to help him regain strength and movement, but, dang, I wish I was there with him.

I feel kinda helpless in this situation. I mean, there are things I can do: pay some bills, offer my mother moral support, pray... but because I'm well far away, I feel like I can't do a dayum thing.

Last night, my mom told me my father lost a lot of weight. Pops isn't the biggest dude out there, so any weight loss is significant. I guess that's why I'm feeling a little bit on edge and freaked out.

That, and the fact that I haven't spoken to him since Tuesday.

Wednesday morning, he left the hospital and made the trek out to Laval. That in itself is stressful, 'cause my mother can't drive and it took her and my aunt three hours to get home Wednesday afternoon.

Poor Mom was all tired out by the time I called her last night.

I don't want her to overdo it either. My mother isn't a young woman. She's gotta take care of herself and get some rest.

One of the good things about the rehab centre is that because Pops is going to be doing so much physio, Mom won't be able to sit around the hospital and worry. And I know my mother can worry. And my aunt from Barbados is in town for five more weeks, so my mother can't fall into any worried, miserable state.

I just wish I wasn't so far away.

That way, I could do the three hour trek with Mom. Or I could try my luck driving into Laval (once we got the car's brakes fixed). I could make sure that they're both eating and I could see for myself how my father is progressing.

But, I have to leave it in God's hands because that's all I can do.

I read last night: "Be still and know that I am God" from Psalm 46 -- and it did calm me down. In the middle of all this confusion in my soul and this stress, God knows what He's doing. I just have to 'be still and know'.

I'm trying not to worry.

I will keep on praying.

I really just want my daddy at home working in the garden with my mom.

But, I'm going to continue to 'be still'.

It's been a long time...

I shouldn't have left you, without a dope blog to read through :) That's my take on Aaliyah's Try Again -- remember Timbaland's part at the beginning? You would think I was a huge Aaliyah fan... not so much ;)

Life has been interesting.

Trying at some points. Very cool for the most part.

A lot has happened in the past four weeks and it's made me think. I wrote a blog on my regular blog page called 'What about your friends?' It was about a friend I once had and the demise of that friendship.

Writing the blog, I didn't think she was going to read it because I hadn't heard from her in five years. So, I wrote what I wanted to write -- not really thinking anything of her reading it.

Well, you know when you don't think of something that's exactly what happens.

I got an irate email from this young woman a couple of days after I sent out my reminder email. The girl proceeded to cuss me out.

I was shocked.

I mean, I didn't know where she was or what she was doing, so I had no reason to believe that she was reading my words. She never emailed or commented as far as I knew.

I got pissed off. I hadn't heard from her -- I didn't have a phone number or email address to try to reach her with. She had moved and never passed on her contact information. But she had my information and didn't feel the need to use it until she wanted to cuss me out.

That annoyed the heck out of me. I don't owe her anything -- I don't think I do. Besides, my blog is where I can express myself and my feelings without judgment. Yes, in a way it is a public forum -- especially if I'm sending out emails telling people that there's new information, but it's private in that, I'm not naming names. Everyone has a pseudonym 'cause I don't think it would be fair to expose someone and the person doesn't have the opportunity to defend his/herself.

Friendships are truly for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Our friendship was for a season and now it's done. Am I sad? Surprisingly, no. The friendship was finished a long time ago when I realized that I was trying to keep the friendship alive. I'm relieved, 'cause there has been closure, something that I hadn't had in a long time.